SADNESS FORGET YOU
by fanbot
Notes

Xander watched as Spike slipped out the front door, and decided that escaping the chaos of potential Slayers was a damn good idea. He tracked down Giles at the dining room table,  where he was trying to read a book. “Hey, Giles. Where’s the shopping list?”

“What? Oh. Last I saw it was on the refrigerator.” Xander plucked the scribbled list from under its plastic fruit magnet and returned to Giles.

“You got the credit card?”

“I thought we’d take care of that tomorrow,” he said, nonetheless fishing out his wallet.

“I need some things from my apartment, I’ve got to get out of this mess, and I think Spike needs walkies.”

Giles studied Xander for a full minute. “He may still be dangerous, you know.”

“He’s 100% trigger free and fortified with soul. I’m safer with him than by myself.”

“If you’re sure.”

Xander sighed. “Yeah. I’m sure. Do you realize that after the time he gave me a concussion with a microscope, years ago Spike’s never hurt me?”

“Because of his chip.”

“No. It’s more than that, Giles. There were plenty of ways he could have hurt any one of us.” Xander met Giles’ level gaze. “He’s been my roommate on two different occasions now. I… I feel for the guy. Feel sorry for the guy.”

Giles looked back down at his wallet, and took out the Watcher’s Council credit card they all expected to dry up any day now. He passed it over without looking up. “There is good there, Xander. I’ve seen it, too.” Then he did meet Xander’s eyes. “Just… don’t get hurt.” 

“We’ll take my car and be careful. Thanks.” He turned to go but paused and put his hand on the strong shoulder where Giles slumped over his book. “And I assure there will be another need to leave the house tomorrow. If nothing else, we’ll break something so I have to fix it.”

Giles smiled a tired smile up at him. “I’m sure we can blame it on someone else. Spike maybe? Or has he been the patsy often enough?”

Xander left with the feeling Giles knew more than he let on.

He came out on the front porch of the Summer’s home to find Spike leaning against a post, smoking, and gazing up at the stars. Xander studied the play of moonlight on the vampire’s neck and cheek before addressing him. “Hey, Spike. I need to get a few things from my apartment and some stuff from the store. I got Daddy’s credit card. And, uh, I wondered if you might be bored enough to go with me.”

A smile quirked Spike’s mouth as he continued to look upwards. He took a deep draw on his cigarette and spoke quietly. “The heavens change, Harris. Very slowly, but they do. The stars shift in their courses. I’ve seen comets and eclipses and lights dancing in the sky I could never explain. I’ve lived a long time and I’ve chatted with thousands of people.” He shifted his tired blue eyes to Xander’s. “And in all of that, there’s never been anyone like Alexander Harris.”

Xander saw the soul spark in Spike’s eyes and looked up at the stars himself. “Lucky for you that you found me, then.” He looked back at Spike with a smile. “So, you bored?”

Spike flicked the cigarette out into the yard and launched himself off the pole. “Damn right I am.”

They got into Xander’s car and headed across town. Spike had the window down and his eyes closed, apparently just enjoying moving again.

“So. No chip. Soul installed. Still vampire. Huh.” Xander ventured.

“You summed it up, Harris, what’s your point?”

“Just all that and not so Big Bad any more.”

“Iamso…” Spike burst out then interrupted himself with a huge sigh. “Maybe not so much.”

“Miss it?”

“Nah. Not yet. When I have time I might.”

They drove in silence to Xander’s apartment, not saying anything until the door shut behind them. Xander went right to the kitchen and started pulling some things out of a cabinet. He spoke without looking at his friend. “Spike, I remember the note I left for you.” He did not see Spike’s hand jump up to cover where it rested in an inside breast pocket of his leather coat. “I… I want to let you in,” he said quietly, turning from his task.

Spike looked on the boy with wonder, tilting his head to one side. “Really, Pet?” One of the big rules in their little relationship was nothing anal. Give or take.

Xander nodded. “I do. Until that day I saw you in the basement…” Spike looked away, ashamed. Xander stepped close and brought the vampire’s head up with a soft touch to his chin. “Until that day, I didn’t know what it meant to you. Until after that day I never thought about how much it would actually mean to me.”

“You’re not just wanting to do this for me?”

Xander shook his head. “No. Not just. I… uh… did some research at the public library. There’re whole books for gay sex, just like for straight." 

“I always did suspect you were actually one of the smart ones, Harris.”

“Plus… uh… Anya left her toys here. She said she didn’t want to use anything I’d touched. SoIknowyouwon’thurtme,” Xander said in a rush, glossing over all the nights spent alone playing with the toys and thinking about Spike’s hard cock.

“All this in the last couple of months, Pet?” Spike said in wonderment.

Xander looked away. “All summer. I… I was alone and the least painful, most pleasurable thing I had to think about was you. I missed you. Physically more than emotionally, I thought, but after seeing you, I’m not so sure that was true.”

“Even after what I almost did to Buffy?” Spike asked quietly, having to know.

“Even after. She forgave you before I did, though. After I thought about it, I kinda understood. She messed with you pretty damn bad.”

“Yeah, she did.”

“I don’t want to do that, Spike. I don’t want to mess with you. I… I want to connect, but don’t think it’s anything like… love.” Xander flushed bright red, but laid a hand on the vampire’s cheek.

“Why would I ever expect anything but a good wank from a Wanker like you?” Spike asked affectionately, leaned in, and kissed the boy softly.

Xander returned the kisses, equally soft. “And I want to thank you, ” he murmured.

“What for, Pet?” Spike breathed.

“All the times you’ve saved my life. For all the good things you’ve done for all of us. For all the pleasure,” he kissed Spike deeply, making the vampire gasp, “you’ve given me.”

“Thank you, too, Pet. For pretty much the same things.”

They undressed one another with practiced ease. Xander led Spike to his bedroom and touched a button on the boom box. Madonna started singing about sweet things and desire and the two exchanged smiles. Xander kissed Spike again and pressed him down on the bed. “Let me be in control,” he breathed. Spike nodded, understanding.

Xander straddled the vampire and kissed his face, his lips, and gently worked his way down the lean, pale body. He stopped with his chest pressing Spike’s erection and kissed the trail of hair which lead down from his belly button. A treasure trail, Willow had called it, once. He was glad to see no traces of the scratches that had once marred the marble body. Xander slid back up and rested chest-to-chest with Spike. He looked down into blue eyes dilated in anticipation. “Now, you sure you want to do this? he asked, humor in his voice.

“I’ve wanted you from that first day years ago when you so boldly came to me and took exactly what you wanted. I had hoped you would let me take you then. Or… you take me.”

“Maybe one day,” Xander promised. “Today, it’s my turn.” Xander slid a hand under the pillow and pulled out an almost-empty tube of lube. “If I’d known I was going to have company, I’d’ve bought more.”

“We are going to the store next, after all,” Spike grinned.

Xander grinned in return, shifted back until he sat on the vampire’s thighs, and their cocks bobbed near one another. Xander squeezed out what lube he could and coated Spike’s cock before reaching back to ready himself.

Spike lightly ran his hands over the boy’s broad chest, chastising himself for still calling Xander the boy in his mind. He had watched Xander grow and mature, until he was most certainly man. Xander looked down at him with want and desire smoldering in his brown eyes. To hell with that. Xander would always be his boy.

Xander rose up and took Spike’s hard cock in his hand. Carefully, he positioned it and slowly lowered himself. Supporting himself with his other hand flat on Spike’s chest, he closed his eyes. He could feel when he’d reached the point of resistance where his body resisted the intrusion and paused. Spike watched in wonderment as sweat broke out over Xander’s body. “Relax, Pet,” Spike purred. “Stop if it hurts. I don’t want to hurt the boy.”

Xander breathed out, relaxed, and felt Spike’s cool cock as it slipped inside him. “God!” he gasped through gritted teeth, placing his slippery hand beside the other. His legs quivering with the effort, Xander lowered himself slowly.

Spike had to will himself to lay still and savor every inch gained. He still feared hurting the boy. Finally, when Xander’s weight rested on Spike’s hips, he lowered his eyes and gazed down at his lover through passion-clouded eyes. He was breathing heavy gasps through his open mouth.

“I’m not hurting you, am I, Pet?” Spike asked tenderly. He could feel Xander’s inner muscles clutching his aching cock.

“God, no, Spike. I’ve never felt… anything… like this in my life.” Xander shuddered and carefully began to raise slowly up and back down. Spike made small thrusts, wanting to    give as well as take. For some timeless minutes, the two moved together. “So good,” he murmured. “Doesn’t hurt.” Xander forced his eyes open again and looked down to see Spike with a relaxed grin on his face, his eyes half-closed in pleasure. “I’ve never seen you smile like that before.”

“I’ve never been where I am before, Love.”

Madonna, unnoticed, quit singing.

“It feels so damn good, Spike. I want to hang at this moment forever.” Xander raised and  lowered himself again. “But I can’t. I need to come, Spike. Fuck me, Spike. Come deep inside me.”

Spike started thrusting up into the boy, carefully at first, then faster. “Feel good, Pet?”

“God. Spike. Fuck…” Xander grabbed his neglected cock and wrung hard spurts of come out of it. Spike laughed as they rained on his chest and face, before the clutching of Xander’s channel brought his own orgasm.

“Xander… Love… So good,” Spike murmured into Xander’s brown curls when the boy collapsed onto his chest.

“Yeah…” panted Xander before gingerly climbing off and flopping down beside Spike. The vampire felt himself cool and soften as he listened to the boy’s breathing level off as he fell asleep. Spike sighed and tucked one arm up behind his head as he watched Xander sleep. He honestly hadn’t hurt the boy.

Spike felt tears well in his eyes and let them flow. Amends. In his own way, Xander had forgiven him a measure of the sins he’d committed in Sunnydale. After his attack on Buffy, he hadn’t expected Xander to ever speak to him again, let alone be with him.

When he had seen Xander in the basement, his first fear was that the boy had died. But then he’d found the note. Phantoms don’t leave notes. It was now stained and much folded, but tucked carefully in a hidden pocket in the breast of his duster. If he were ever to be staked while wearing his coat, part of Xander would go with him.

Xander shivered in his sleep, reaching out for a blanket, but encountering cool, bare Spike belly instead. Spike quickly wiped away his tears, but otherwise didn’t move.

“Huh?” Xander questioned, blinking at the expense of white flesh beside him. “Oh,” he said, rolled over, and dragged the blanket which hung off the bed over himself. How many nights had the vampire lived here over the last few months? How many mornings did Xander wake up hoping, fearing, that Spike had joined him. He had worried about Spike, more than he let anyone know, even Spike himself. In hindsight, he wondered if he could have helped the vamp fight the First. He stared at the wall, tried to even his breathing, and pretended to sleep.

“Wake up, Xander,” Spike said softly, hearing the hitches in Xander’s breathing that he knew would lead to tears. “We’ve got errands to run.”

“Let me sleep, you killed off a few brain cells.”

“Then it’s a good thing we don’t do that often, you don’t have any to spare.”

Xander rolled back over and blinked sleepily at the vamp, hiding a sniffle in a yawn. “Yeah, well, don’t expect special treatment like that often, Mister. I already feel the burn in my thighs.” Xander rolled and stretched. “Gotta shower. I’m sticky everywhere.”

Spike watched Xander hobble naked out of the room, relaxing on the boy’s rumpled bed. He savored the comfortable feel and smell of Xander’s bedroom. He’d not let his some times roommate know, but when the voices got to be too much, he’d come and lay in Xander’s bed while the boy was at work and things would be a little quieter for a while. He’d wanted to touch him, to be with him, but he had feared the black outs. He’d feared he would hurt the boy. The nights he heard Xander crying to himself were the worst. He wanted nothing more than to go and hold this silly human. This man who had bumbled his way into his unlife and set up house.  He listened as water shut off and Xander shouted down the hall. “Hey, bed head. I left you some hot water. Want a shower?”

With that simple phrase, Spike felt this little portion of his long life click into place. What ever happened between the two of them in the future, even if it was nothing at all, would be right and good.

POWER OF GOODBYE