Dinner With Giles

 

The ride back over to Spike's father's had been silent.  A part of Xander wanted to take back the kiss, if only to return them to their previous state of camaraderie, but the other part of him wanted nothing more than to savor that kiss.  To remember what it felt like to have Spike moaning against him.  To feel the same desires he felt reflected back at him.  What would have happened if Bran hadn't interrupted?  How long would the kiss have gone on?

 

Xander could tell that Spike was confused, and scared.  Hopefully not disgusted.  God, Xander didn't think he could stand that, if Spike were disgusted with him, the idea of kissing him.  He knew that there was very little chance that it was going to happen again, or that they would share any deeper intimacies, but he couldn't seem to stomp out that small spark of hope.

 

They had already established that Spike wasn't gay.  And Xander wasn't exactly the kind of prize that would gay a man up.  But...he'd seen the caring look in Spike's eyes, had felt...something.

 

They arrived at Mr. Giles' promptly at seven.  The man that answered the door was warm and friendly, and though Xander didn't have a very good track record with people other than Bran, he found himself liking Mr. Giles almost immediately.

 

"You talk funny, too," Bran said in between mouthfuls.

 

"Brandon Harris!"  Xander admonished, flushing at his son's second faux pas in as many days. "I'm very sorry, Mr. Giles, he just hasn't met that many foreigners.  Actually none at all except for Spike and yourself."

 

"Quite all right," Giles was more amused than offended.  "And please, call me Giles, all my students do."

 

"Will says he's from across the pond, but not the one in the park," Bran continued, oblivious to the rest of the conversation going on around him.  "Are you from across the pond, too?"

 

"That I am, little man," Giles answered, smiling.  "I'm Will's da, so we actually came across the pond together."

 

"Will says it's not really a pond.  It's an ocean.  We learned about the oceans in school one day.  The paficic and the atlantis.  Do you know about the oceans?"  Bran asked, wide eyed.

 

"Yes, a bit, what would you like - " Giles began but was quickly interrupted by an overly energetic Bran.

 

"You're Will's da?  Does that mean you’re his daddy?  That's my daddy!"  Bran grinned and pointed at Xander.

 

Xander laughed, letting some of the tension ease out of him.  Then he took his napkin and reached over to wipe at his son's mashed potato covered face.  "Sorry," Xander apologized to no one in particular as he wiped.  "No more chocolate for you, buddy!"  Xander teased, making Bran pout.

 

After dinner, Xander offered to take a taxi home to let the two men have some time together.  Both Giles' men declined, so Xander insisted that they at least have a mini-reunion while he and Bran watched cartoons in the living room.  At his suggestion, Xander thought Spike looked a little relieved, making Xander wonder if just his presence alone now made the other man nervous.

 

"So, Alexander Harris," Giles began when they were out of earshot.  "Not what any of us expected, I believe."

 

"No, nothing like," Spike mumbled as they walked along the hall toward his father's study.

 

"Seems like a nice young man," Giles offered, taking a seat in his leather armchair.  "And Bran is certainly a precocious child."

 

"Yes, it's amazing how well adjusted Bran is," Spike responded.  "Given Xander's own childhood experiences, it's a bloody miracle he's turned out as well as he has.  Able to love and care for a small child of his own."

 

"I'm afraid it's difficult for either of us to really know what Xander's had to deal with.  And you're quite right that he is an amazing man to have been able to overcome such obstacles."  Giles watched his son with a curious eye.  "Is there something you're not telling me, Will?"  Giles had made it a point to insure that his son knew he could tell him anything.  Since Olivia died, leaving the two of them alone, he wanted Will to know that he always had someone he could talk to and count on, no matter what the issue.

 

"Ikissedhim," Spike mumbled incomprehensibly.

 

"What was that?"  Giles leaned forward slightly in order to better hear.

 

"I kissed him."  Spike's whole body seemed to be blushing. 

 

"Oh."

 

"Is that all you have to say, da?  I tell you I kissed a man and you say 'oh'?"  Spike cried, throwing his hands in the air, frustrated for no good reason.

 

"Well, son - " Giles began, but was interrupted.

 

"I mean, I didn't *mean* to.  He was upset.  And I wanted...I don't know what I wanted.  And then at the club...I, God, da!  I've never been attracted to other blokes before!"  Spike was confused and upset and embarrassed all at once.

 

"What does Xander say about all this?"  Giles asked softly.

 

"Well, we haven't exactly discussed it over tea," Spike spat sarcastically, then gave his father an apologetic look.  "I...I don't know.  He kissed me back, I think.  I mean, yes, he did.  But then after...after he just brushed it off."

 

"Will, I don't believe I've ever seen you this...agitated...over anyone before."  Giles observed.

 

"Well, these are extreme circumstances, da!"  Spike nearly shouted.

 

"What is it *you* want, Will?"  Giles prodded.

 

"I don't know," Spike answered forlornly.  "It's confusing."

 

"Do you like him?"

 

"Yes," Spike ventured after a long while.  "But I'm just not sure what that means."

 

"Maybe you should tell him that?"

 

***

 

The ride back to Spike's was silent as Spike contemplated the conversation he'd had with his father.  When Xander checked over his shoulder he noticed that Bran had fallen asleep in the back.  He leaned over and spoke as quietly as possible so as not to wake him.

 

"Spike, if you'd rather we go to a hotel, you know, if you're uncomfortable, it's no problem," Xander offered, having sensed the other man's discomfort all night.

 

"What? No."  Spike was broken from his reverie by Xander's unexpected offer.  "Xan, mate, I think we should talk."  Spike had just pulled into the parking spot beneath his apartment building.  "Let's get inside and put Bran to bed, yeah?"

 

Xander's heart felt heavy.  He didn't want to talk with Spike.  He had a feeling he already knew what the conversation would be about and how it would end.  But he sighed, cradled Bran in his arms and carried him up to the apartment.  Once he'd laid Bran down and tucked him in, kissing his forehead before tiptoeing out of the room, he rejoined Spike in the living room.

 

"Okay."  Xander collapsed onto the couch.  "What do you want to talk about?"

 

"About earlier, Xan, the kiss - "

 

"Look, I told you, don't worry about it.  I was upset, you were comforting, things got out of hand."  Xander shrugged, already wanting this conversation to end.  "Just the heat of the moment."

 

"Stop saying that!"  Spike snapped at him.  He'd stood and was now pacing the floor.  "It may not have been a big deal to you.  But *I've* never kissed a man before, and it meant something to me.  I'm just not sure what.  I...things are confusing...I don't know what's going on, or how exactly I feel."

 

"Meant something to me, too," Xander practically whispered.

 

"What was that, Xan?"

 

"I said, it meant something to me, too," Xander repeated, louder.  "You're the first person I've let into my life in almost 10 years.  You think your kiss didn't make me *feel* things?  You think I haven't called myself an idiot a thousand times over for even hoping that you might not..."

 

"That I might not what, luv?"

 

"That you might not regret it?  That you might not have found it, *me*, disgusting?"  Xander stared down at the floor, his mop of brown hair shielding his eyes from view.  "That you might even want it again?"

 

"Oh, Xan.  I'd never find you disgusting.  And I don't regret it.  I'm just confused.  I *do* have feelings for you, luv.  But you have to understand this has never happened to me before.  I've never been attracted to another bloke, and I'm not sure what to do about it."  Spike ran shaking fingers through his already rumpled hair.  "We only just met, and you've stirred me all up inside.  Can you give me time, Xan?"

 

"Sure," Xander shrugged, not raising his gaze from the carpeted floor.  "I'm kinda tired, Spike.  Do you mind if I go crash?"

 

"Sure, Xan."  Spike watched, brow furrowed in worry, as Xander stood to leave the room.  He looked like a man resigned to a hard life.  Spike's protective instincts clamored and he had to fight the urge to follow Xander and offer what comfort he could.