Separate and Apart

 

"Daddy, I'm hungry.  Can I have a sammy?"

 

Xander smiled, reaching for the bread.  "Peanut butter and jelly?"

 

Bran nodded enthusiastically, sitting down at the kitchen table to wait.  "Daddy?"

 

"Hmmm."  Xander was being careful not to break the bread as he spread the peanut butter on.

 

"How come Will hasn't come to visit?  Is Aunt Buffy still sick?"

 

Xander sighed.  Bran had asked the same question every day since they'd gotten back.  Granted it'd only been three days so far, but still, with Xander's nerves so raw, it grated.

 

Xander peered at the telephone angrily.  He'd been waiting for it to ring, with both fear and hope that it would be Spike.  That Spike would ask why they had left, and would beg them to come back.  Xander shook his head at his own stupidity.

 

"Daddy?"

 

"Hmmm? I'm sorry, buddy."  Xander turned, handing the newly made sandwich to his son.  "Here's your sammy."  He took a seat across from Bran.  "Bran, Buffy is still sick, but...you also have to understand that Will has his own life.  He may not be able to come visit right away, okay?"  At Bran's crestfallen expression, Xander rushed to reassure him.  "It doesn't mean he doesn't like us anymore.  Just that he has other things to take care of.  Okay?"

 

Bran nodded.  He ate his sandwich silently, doleful brown eyes blinking slowly.

 

Xander didn't know what to do.  How to make things better.  Fuck!  He'd screwed up.  And now Bran was hurting because of it.

 

***

 

"I don't know, da."  Spike paced the study restlessly.  "I thought...well I thought things were good.  Thought Xan felt the same as I did.  Guess I was wrong."  He sat abruptly in one of his father's leather armchairs.

 

"Perhaps you should call and ask him?  Maybe there's some other explanation for this," Giles suggested.

 

"What other explanation could there be?  One minute we're having a jolly old time.  The next he's gone.  The only thing I could think of was that he'd realized how I felt.  That it was too much."  Spike dry-washed his face with an agitated hand.  "Must've been the pressies.  Knew I was being stupid."

 

"You don't know that, Will," Giles soothed.  "You said yourself, Xander's a complicated man.  He's had a lot happen to him that we can't understand."

 

"Know that, da."  Spike stood, pacing the room once more.  He'd felt like a heel the first few days Xander had left.  Mostly because all he could think about was Xander, even while his best friend lay sick and possibly dying in the hospital.  Of course he worried over Buffy, but...Xan was the first thing on his mind when he woke up in the mornings.

 

Now that the transplant seemed to have gone well, they just had to wait while they kept Buffy isolated and monitored her condition.  Doctor Calendar said things were looking extremely good, and that she had every confidence that Buffy would be going into remission without any difficulties.

 

So, of course, Spike now had nothing else to occupy his mind except Xander and his failed relationship with the man. 

 

***

 

Xander fiddled with the key hanging from the chain around his neck.  He hadn't taken it off since the night Spike had put it on him.  He'd thrown out his old Reload CD as well, and kept Spike's.  If those were the only things he could keep to remind him of his time in Sunnydale, then there was no way he was throwing them away.

 

He was still playing with the charm when the shrill ring of the phone broke him out of his reverie.  He checked on Bran on his way to the kitchen, smiling at his son's antics.  Bran was playing knights again, with his Lego castle, and ordering all his troops around.  At least the boy wasn't brooding about Spike twenty-four seven the way Xander seemed to be.

 

"Hello?"

 

"...Hello, luv."

 

"Spike."  Xander breathed more than spoke his name.

 

"Just wanted to make sure you made it home okay.  Everything all right?"

 

"Yes."  Xander swallowed against the lump in his throat.  "How's Buffy?"

 

"She's good, Xan.  Doc says she's out of danger, mostly," Spike answered, feeling awkward.

 

There was silence on both ends of the phone.

 

"Xan - "

 

"Spike - "

 

"You go first, luv."

 

"Spike, I, uhm, I just want you to know that we had a really great Christmas."

 

"I'm glad, Xan.  I did, too.  I...oh, sod it!"  Xander winced at Spike's tone.  "Why did you leave, luv?"  The words came out in an almost pleading whisper, making Spike cringe at his own neediness.

 

"You know why, Spike."

 

"No, Xan, I - "

 

"Spike," Xander cut him off.  "Look, I don't blame you, okay?  It's not your fault you couldn't love Bran.  Couldn't love me."  The words trailed off into silence.

 

"What?"  Spike was shocked.  "What makes you think - "

 

"You don't have to say anything.  We've only known each other for a couple of weeks.  I couldn't expect you to...to have those kinds of feelings for me, for us.  And I couldn't expect you to want to have a ready-made family either.  It's my own fault that I - " Xander stopped himself from saying the words.

 

"That you what, luv?"  Spike was leaning forward in his seat, as if he could understand Xan better somehow.

 

"You need me to say it, Spike?"  Xander asked, letting out a self-deprecating chuckle.  "Fine.  It's my own fault that I fell in love with you."

 

Spike's heart stopped beating for just a second.  "Xan, you love me?" he whispered.

 

"Yeah, well, I told you, you didn't have to say anything, Spike.  I know," Xander gulped back the tears.  "I know I'm not easy to love."

 

"No, Xan, I - "

 

"Spike, stop!"  Xander couldn't take anymore.  "I heard you that night.  I know you have feelings for me, for Bran.  Strong feelings.  But that you aren't ready to be a father.  I get that.  You don't have to explain.  I got out of your way to make things easier."

 

Xander could hear Bran rustling around in the next room.  Knew that his son would be looking for dinner soon.  He had to end the conversation now.

 

"I gotta start dinner, Spike.  Thank you, well, thank you for calling.  I hope Buffy gets better soon."  Xander slammed the phone down before he broke down and started begging for things he couldn't have.

 

***

 

Spike was in a daze.  Xander loved him!  He knew he had a stupid grin on his face, but he didn't care.  Xander loved him!

 

Then Spike came back to reality.  Xander was gone.  He thought Spike didn't love him.  That he didn't want Bran.  Spike was berating himself for being stupid enough to have said those words aloud.  To have let Xander overhear and think the worst.

 

Yes, he was worried about being a permanent part of Bran's life, but not because he didn't love either of them enough.  More like he loved them too much. 

 

Three days apart.  They'd only been gone for three days, but Spike was already miserable.  He knew now that, no matter how insecure he felt about raising Bran, it didn't matter.  He would rather be insecure and afraid with them in his life, than miserable without.

 

He was packing his bags within minutes.

 

***

 

Xander made quick work of dinner, throwing some spaghetti into a pot to boil and heating up ready-made sauce.  He added a few meatballs to the mix and made a small salad.

 

"Daddy?"

 

Xander had been trying to get his mind off the conversation with Spike, quite unsuccessfully.  But at least he'd brought himself back from the brink of tears before Bran had come in.

 

"Yeah, buddy?"

 

Bran's bottom lip started to quiver, and a fat tear fell from one eye.  Xander was at his side in seconds, hugging him and asking what was wrong.

 

"We *sniffle* never finished *sniffle* my castle."  Bran wiped at his nose with his sleeve.

 

"What castle, buddy?"  Xander was confused, having just seen Bran playing with his castle in the living room.

 

"My castle at Will's house," Bran explained.  He pulled away from his daddy to stare him in the eye.  "We won't ever get to finish it, will we, daddy?"

 

"Oh, Bran."  Xander pulled him close, tears rushing to his own eyes.  He scooped Bran into his arms and carried him back to the living room where they could both snuggle on the couch.

 

"No, buddy," he answered finally.  "We aren't going to finish the castle."

"Are we ever going to see Will again, daddy?"

 

Xander sighed heavily.  "No, buddy, I don't think we are."

 

"Why not?  Did I do something wrong?"  Bran asked, all wide brown eyes.

 

"No, God, Bran, no!"  Xander practically shouted.  "It's not your fault.  It's nobody's fault."

 

"Then why, daddy?"

 

"I don't know why, Bran.  Sometimes things just happen.  I don't think Will was ready to be a part of our lives like that." 

 

"I don't understand, daddy."  Bran burrowed deeper into Xander's embrace.

 

"I don't either, buddy."  Xander hugged him tight.  "But we still have each other.  I love you, Bran."  He leant forward and kissed the crown of Bran's head.

 

"I love you, too, daddy."

 

***

 

In the middle of packing his bags, it suddenly occurred to Spike that now might not be the best time to leave.  What would he say to Joyce?  Yeah, sorry your daughter, my best friend, is possibly dying, but I have to go sort out my love life?

 

But how could he not go?

 

He sat down heavily on his bed, wondering what to do.  Not wanting to waste any more time, he decided to go to the one person he could always trust.  He packed the rest of his bags, threw them into the boot of his car and headed to his da's house.

 

***

 

After tucking Bran in, Xander placed a soft kiss on his son's forehead.  He inched out of the room, closing the door behind him quietly.

 

He really had to go shopping.  He would be starting back at work in a few days and he needed a few new sets of costumes and whatnot.  He called over to Tara to ask if she could come by and watch Bran for a few hours tomorrow while he went out.

 

She was happy to agree, so Xander began to make a list of things he'd need.  Not only costumes for work, but some new things for Bran as well.  Maybe this would take both their minds off Spike.  He sighed, knowing that wasn't going to be true for a long time, but at least he could keep himself occupied for a bit.

 

He went to bed, hoping that the ache in his chest would go away eventually.

 

***

 

Spike was frustrated.  He'd spoken with his da, who'd reassured him that Joyce would not be the least bit upset at his going.  That she understood, and in fact wanted Xander back as much as anybody.

 

And now that he'd finally gotten to the airport, there weren't any flights to Las Vegas until morning.  Too keyed up to go back home, he bought his ticket and planted himself in one of the gate's uncomfortable plastic chairs to wait.