Trying to Forget

 

Xander left as soon as Tara arrived.  Normally he sent Bran over to Tara’s while he worked, but since she was going to be watching him all day, plus during his shift tonight, he’d asked if she would mind being at his place.  That way Bran could nap in his own bed and wouldn’t have to lug over enough toys to last a whole day.

 

Bran was cheerier, but still a bit subdued.  Xander was cursing himself left and right for having gotten involved with Spike in the first place.  Bran was hurt and confused because of it, though Xander couldn’t blame anyone but himself.  He’d known how it was going to turn out from the beginning.

 

Still brooding, Xander entered one of his favorite adult shops.  He headed straight for the thongs, needing to replenish his supply.  This store was great because they had a running special that if you bought five you’d get the sixth for free.  So Xander would stop in periodically to check out their new designs and pick up a few pairs.

 

A bright red thong caught his eye and he reached for it, only to have it snatched away before he could grab it.  Brown eyes met brown when he looked up at the offending shopper.

 

“These would look great on you.”  The other man swung the thong on one finger.  He held out his free hand for a shake.  “I’m Riley.  What’s your name?”

 

“Xander.  And thanks.”  Xander offered as an afterthought, shrugging he continued to sift through the merchandise.

 

“Tell you what,” Riley stepped close, leaning down to whisper in Xander’s ear,  “I’ll let you have the thong, if you let me have your phone number.”

 

“Not interested.  Thanks.”  Xander didn’t bother to look up from his shopping.

 

“Okay then.”  Riley threw the thong back on the pile.  “How ‘bout just a quick fuck, then?”

 

Xander rolled his eyes.  Couldn’t this guy see he wanted to be alone?  “Look.”  Xander turned to face Riley. “It’s nothing against you.  I’ve just come out of a relationship, sort of,” Xander corrected himself.  “And I just don’t...I’m just not interested.”

 

Instead of retreating, Riley came closer.  He trailed a forefinger along Xander’s cheek before responding.  “Could help you forget,” he coaxed.  “Don’t worry, I’m not interested in anything long term.  Just looking for a good lay.”  Riley whispered a kiss against Xander’s cheek.  “What do you say?”

 

Xander studied him for a moment.  Brown wavy hair, broad shoulders, kind of beefy build.  He was nothing like Spike.  Xander’d had his fair share of one night stands, but the last was over a year ago.  Maybe this was what he needed to help him forget?  To remind him who he was and the type of man he should expect in his life.  The fleeting, good time guy.  Just like the one standing in front of him.  A guy Xander couldn’t, wouldn’t, expect anything more from.

 

He found himself nodding, but he felt more like a spectator watching himself make the silent agreement.  Before Riley could pull him into any kind of embrace, Xander stepped away.  “Okay, but you’ll have to meet me at the club tonight.  I’ve got to be at work in about 20 minutes.”

 

“Club?”

 

“The Gentleman’s Club for Men.  It’s over on 87^th.”  Xander continued when Riley nodded, “My shift’s from six to nine.  Can you meet me?”

 

“So you’re a dancer, huh?”  Riley leered.  “This keeps getting better and better.  Hell yes, I’ll meet you.”  Riley grabbed Xander’s hip and pulled him close.

 

Xander let the other man kiss him, trying hard not to think about Spike.  When they broke apart he gave Riley a tentative smile and then left, heading toward the club.

 

***

 

Tara was reading Bran’s new favorite book, SkippyJon Jones, to him when the doorbell rang.  She smiled at Bran, moving the book to his lap so that he could look at the pictures while she answered the door.  “Be right back, honey.”

 

“Hello,” Tara greeted the stranger at the door.

 

“I...I’m sorry, miss.  I think I’ve got the wrong apartment.”  The man’s eyes darted to the apartment number on the door.

 

“Oh, are you looking for Xander?  I’m afraid he’s out right now.”  The man’s shoulders slumped and he whooshed out a tired breath.  “You must be Will.”

 

Spike’s hope flared.  “Xan told you about me?”

Tara shook her head, hair falling softly across her cheeks.  “No, I’m sorry.  But Bran talks about you a lot.  And it wasn’t hard to put two and two together.”

 

Shoulders slumped again, but then Tara watched as Will’s whole face brightened when Bran came barreling past her and into Will’s arms. 

 

“Bit!” 

 

“Will!”

 

They hugged each other tight for a moment.  Tara could see how much Will cared for Bran, and it made her smile, though she wondered what had gone on between the three of them.  Neither Bran nor Xander had been themselves since their return.

 

Still holding Bran, Spike straightened.  “You can call me Spike.  Xan just didn’t want the bit to call me that, so he gave him my real name.”

 

“Okay, would you like to come in?”  Tara stepped out of the way.

 

“Uhm,” Spike put Bran back down, patting him lightly on the arse,  “Bit, why don’t you go on back inside.  I promise to spend some more time with you, but right now I have to find your da, okay?”

 

“Okay.  But you’ll be back?”  Bran’s eyes looked so hopeful, yet wary, that Spike had to take him back into his arms. 

 

“I promise, Bran.”  Spike kissed the boy’s forehead before releasing him and straightening back up.  He sent a pleading expression Tara’s way.  “Can you tell me where he is?”

"Daddy's at work!"  Bran tugged on his sleeve.  "Are you going to see daddy at work?"

"Yeah, luv, I guess I am," Spike answered when Tara nodded in agreement.

 

"Okay."  Bran nodded solemnly.  "Are you gonna come home with him?"

 

"I hope so, bit."  Spike smiled encouragingly.

 

"Good!"  Bran announced, making Spike and Tara chuckle.

 

"Do you know where the club is?"  Tara asked.

 

"Yeah, been there before, thanks."  He ruffled Bran's hair one more time before stepping back.  "I'd better go.  We've got a lot to talk about."

 

"Good luck," Tara called out, shutting the door behind him.

 

***

 

Xander was dancing his last set of the night when he saw Riley walk in the door.  The other man sat at the bar, facing the stage and watched Xander intently.  He could almost feel Riley's gaze as if it were a physical caress.  He shuddered, goosebumps rising all over his skin as Riley continued his steady stare.

 

When the music ended, he went back to the dressing rooms to clean up.  Xander ruthlessly suppressed the anxiety he was feeling.  This wasn't the first one night stand he'd ever had, damn it!  And there was no reason for him to feel guilty.  He wasn't cheating on Spike.  They weren't even together anymore.  Hell, they'd never really been together to begin with.

 

It was all wishful thinking.  Xander's fantasy almost come to life; the family, the love.  Everything he'd ever dreamed about.  Spike had tempted him with.  Had made him believe he might actually have.  Might actually deserve.  But in the end it all came crashing down.  Just like he knew it would. 

 

So there was no reason to feel guilty.  He wasn't about to betray anyone.  There was no one to betray.  No one who would care one way or another.

 

He stepped back out into the club letting his eyes readjust to the darkened room.  Riley was still there, sitting on the same stool.  Xander walked over, swaying his hips invitingly.  Trying to show Riley that he was still interested.

 

"Thanks for coming."  Xander said, taking the stool next to Riley's.  The other man's hand stole out to caress his thigh.

 

"Of course.  Wouldn't have missed seeing you for anything."  Riley leaned forward and captured Xander's lips.  "You were gorgeous."

 

Xander was still trying to shake the feeling that he was doing something wrong, something illicit.  Grabbing hold of Riley's hand he tugged, pulling him on to the dance floor.  "Come on.  Want to dance with you.  Feel you against me," Xander coaxed.

 

They swayed together, bodies rubbing, hands roaming.  Xander tried to lose himself in the music.  Tried to forget that he was with Riley and not with Spike.  Unfortunately every time he closed his eyes, he saw Spike's bleach blond hair and icy blue eyes.  His heart ached.  He could feel Riley's hands grasping his hips, pulling him closer.  Riley's erection brushed against him, making the other man let out a husky moan.

 

"Xan, let's go back to my place," Riley urged.

 

And just like that Xander's semi-hard cock deflated.  Xan.  No one had ever called him that before, not until Spike had pushed his way into Xander's life uninvited.  And suddenly it was painfully clear that Xander couldn't go through with it.  He couldn't sleep with Riley.  He couldn't sleep with anyone, not now, and not for a long time.

 

He pulled away from Riley, expression apologetic.  "I'm sorry.  I can't go through with this.  I'm really sorry."  Pushing his way through the crowd he headed for the backstage door.  Unbeknownst to him, Riley followed.

 

***

 

Spike scanned the stage, searching for Xander, but came up empty.  On his way to the bar to ask if Xander would be coming on soon, he spotted him; or rather, he spotted them. 

 

Spike felt himself stop breathing altogether.  Watching Xander grind against another man.  Seeing him being fondled, caressed, Spike wanted to scream. 

 

He watched with jaw clenched and hands fisted at his sides while they danced.  He saw Xander pull away, and head toward the back, the other man following.  He supposed they were looking for more privacy.  It certainly looked like they wanted to be alone.

 

Spike wanted to hit something.  No.  He wanted to hit that man.  The brunet hitting on Xander, touching Xander.  Fuck!  Spike was torn between following them and breaking up their little party, and escaping before he could humiliate himself. 

 

Had Xander been lying when he'd said he loved Spike?  Why?  What would make him lie?  Spike shook his head.  Nothing.  There was no reason for Xander to say it if it hadn't been true.  Spike found himself moving toward the backstage door before he even realized what he was doing.

 

***

 

"I said no.  I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to lead you on." 

 

Spike heard Xander's voice, relief at the words flooding through him.  Xander wasn't about to do anything with that guy.  Was in fact trying to get away from him.

 

"What are you?  Some kind of cock-tease?  You think you can just get me all hot and horny them leave me high and dry?  I don't think so!"

 

Spike sped down the hall, he burst in the room just as Xander hauled off and punched the other man in the nose, sending him tumbling to the floor.

 

"Spike!"  Xander was shocked.  Spike was the last person he expected to see here.

 

"Xan, luv, are you okay?"  Spike's glance darted from Xander to Riley and back.

 

At the sound of his nickname Xander broke.  His eyes began to fill with tears, but he blinked them back furiously, refusing to let them fall.  "He... I... I'm sorry!"

 

Spike raced toward him, wrapping his arms around the trembling man and holding him close.  "Shhh, luv.  I know."  Spike kissed Xander's forehead softly, letting his lips linger.  "I know, luv."

 

"Spike, what are you doing here?"  Xander whispered though he made no move to escape Spike's embrace.

 

"Xan, you never let me explain.  You left before I could tell you.  And then you wouldn't let me say anything when I phoned."  Spike admonished softly.  "I needed to see you.  Wanted to tell you - "

 

"Spike!" 

 

Both men went crashing to the ground.  Xander scrambled up as Riley wrestled with Spike on the floor.  He made a move toward them, wanting to help, when Spike let out a furious growl.  His whole body undulated, throwing Riley off.  In the next heartbeat Spike had Riley pinned beneath him, teeth bared, expression furious.

 

"Stay away from Xander, you hear me git?  If I ever see you near him again, I'll rip your bollocks off!  Understand?"

 

Riley blinked, nodding stupidly.  He didn't say a word when Spike let him up.  Glancing once at Xander he beat a hasty retreat at the sound of Spike's threatening growl.

 

"Spike, I'm sorry."  Xander's expression was crestfallen.  He knew that Spike must have seen them together.  Must have followed them both backstage.

 

Spike took Xander's hand in his, thumb caressing a warm palm.  "No apologies, luv.  I know why you did it.  And I know you couldn't go through with it."  He leaned forward to taste Xander's lips.  "Thank you for that, Xan.  For thinking of me in the end."

 

"Spike," Xander sighed.  "I never stopped thinking about you."

 

"Xan," Spike murmured, capturing his lips once more.  They kissed deeply, for several minutes.  Spike nibbled at Xander's lips, caressing him with his tongue, before finally pulling away.  He stared into Xander's eyes, blue meeting dazed brown, before declaring quietly, "I love you."