Conquering Old Fears

 

Xander woke to the feeling of soft lips pressed to his.

 

"Morning, lovely," Spike whispered.

 

"Mmmm," Xander murmured back, eyes still blinking sleepily.  "What time is it?"

 

"Just after nine, luv, plenty of time to grab some brekkie before we go."  Spike nibbled at Xander's bottom lip.  Xander smiled, letting Spike have his way. 

 

They'd had an extremely relaxing night.  Spike had gone out and gotten some take away Indian food, then they'd eaten in bed.  Xander was too keyed up to do much of anything, so Spike bought a pay-per-view movie, Bourne Identity, and they just snuggled for two hours while it played.

 

Xander had actually really enjoyed it.  The story of a man confused about his own identity, unsure of his past.  Xander felt like he could relate.  Except without all the kung fu action moves and the explosions.

 

He sighed into Spike's kiss, thrusting up as Spike climbed atop him and aligned their groins.

 

Spike left Xander's lips to nibble down his chin and lick at his Adam's apple.  "So, I'm breakfast, huh?"  Xander arched a brow at his lover.

 

"Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, Xan," Spike answered, moving down Xander's body to lave at his nipples.  "Every day for the rest of my life."

 

"Ungh, *Spike*."  Xander played with the curls at Spike's nape as the blond licked at his hardened nub.  "E-every day?"  Xander remembered the conversation they'd had with Angel the other night.  "Did you really say that to Angel?"

Spike glanced up into Xander's questioning eyes.  "Yeah," he answered tentatively.  "That okay, luv?"

 

"Is that okay?"  Xander asked in disbelief.  "You're asking if that's okay?"  Xander hauled Spike back up so that he could kiss him hard on the lips.  "*Jesus*, Spike!  It's more than okay, it's...it's like a...a fantasy or something."  He stopped and took a moment to stare at Spike's face, as if memorizing his expression, or judging his sincerity.  "You really want *forever*, Will?"

 

Spike's smile was almost shy as he ducked his head.  Xander's use of his first name always made everything seem even more intimate than it already was.  "Yes," he said simply, then rolled off the bed.

 

"Hey, where - " Spike was back before Xander could finish his question.

 

"I, uh, I got this for you - us, for us."  Spike's hand shook as he reached into the pocket of the duster he'd just retrieved.  "I know there's a lot of bollocks about gay rights, and marriage, and all sorts of other things I never really paid attention to before.  But I don't think that has anything to do with us, yeah?"  Spike pulled a rectangular box from his pocket and held it out.

 

"I don't need a judge, or priest, or any piece of paper telling me that I want forever with you, luv.  I already know that."  Spike opened the box to reveal a set of plain gold bands.  "I just want other people to know, too.  So even if it isn't necessarily legal...will you wear my ring, luv?"

 

Xander couldn't speak.  And he could barely see through the tears.

 

"Oh, God, Xan.  I know, it's really bad timing, I’m sorry, luv.  You don't have to answer, I was a right git to even ask now."  Spike shut the box with a snap and started to put it away.

 

Xander's hand landed on Spike's wrist before he could stuff the box back into his duster pocket.  The fingers that closed around him were trembling, and Spike automatically placed his own atop them.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"Stop saying that."  Xander was finally able to get out the words, though they quavered slightly.  "And don't put that away, please?"

 

Spike nodded, and turned back to his lover.

 

"I...I don't know what to say," Xander whispered, still in a bit of shock.

 

"Don't say anything, luv.  We can just forget the whole thing, I didn't mean to - "

 

"Spike, shut up!"  Xander cut him off.  "I don't want to forget it.  I want you to put that ring on my finger."  He held out his hand and waited.

 

"Are you sure, Xan?"  Spike's expression was hopeful and wary at the same time.

 

"Spike, I love you."  Xander punctuated his words with a kiss.  "I want everyone to know that I'm taken.  And I especially want everyone to know that *you're* taken."

 

The grin that broke out across Spike's face was brilliant as he slid the gold band on Xander's finger.  He placed the other band in the palm of Xander's hand, and his smile turned shy.  "Would you, luv?"

 

Xander brought Spike's own palm up to his face and laid a gentle kiss in the center before sliding the matching band onto his love's finger to seal the deal.

 

They looked at each other for a long moment before Spike finally broke and took Xander's mouth hungrily.  Xander's hands roamed his back; the cold metal of the gold band burned his skin.  Spike broke away long enough to pull the lube from his other pocket and place it in Xander's hand.  "Make love to me, Xan?"

 

Xander nodded, spreading the lube on his fingers and preparing Spike gently.  He took his time, easing one finger in and out for several long minutes until Spike was squirming and begging for more.  Xander continued to finger him, adding a second and nibbling at Spike's ass playfully.

 

Xander's cock was aching to be inside Spike, so he pulled out, turning Spike onto his back so they could face each other.  He kissed his lover, rocking their groins together slowly, one hand rubbing and pinching at Spike's nipples before reaching for a condom.  He ripped open the small foil package, but before he could move to put it on Spike grabbed it from him. 

 

"Let me, luv."  Spike whispered, and then did one of the most erotic things Xander had ever witnessed.

 

Spike placed the unrolled condom on the tip of Xander's cock, then shifted until Xander could feel warm breath caressing his prick.  And then Spike's mouth was around him, teeth gently pushing the condom as his lover went down on him.

 

"Oh, God!"

 

Spike pulled off with a smug grin.

 

Without another word, Xander pushed Spike onto his back and lifted his legs over broad shoulders.  He positioned himself at Spike's puckered opening, and pushed, eliciting a grunt from his lover.

 

"So good, Xan.  Never get enough of you."  Spike began a litany of praises and sweet endearments.  "Forever, luv, you're mine.  Not gonna let you go.  Never gonna let you go, Xan.  Love you."

 

Xander felt so full of emotion he didn't have the words.  He was feeling so much at once, that the only way to express himself was through sweet touches and a gentle, soft rhythm as they made love.  He rolled his hips, rubbing the tip of his cock against Spike's prostate while his hands roamed over Spike's thighs and chest, caressing the soft, warm skin.

 

He played with Spike's nipples, rubbing and pinching them between his fingers.  Spike arched and moaned; his hands reached for Xander's shoulders and pulled him close for another kiss.

 

Xander brushed their lips together, teasingly.  Waiting for Spike to groan his protest, and when he did Xander snaked his tongue into Spike's open mouth.  They kissed languidly, tongues playing together as they consumed each other.

 

Xander's rhythm never faltered, slow and steady he thrust into his lover, the feel of Spike hot and slick around him both comforting and erotic.  "Love you," he murmured against Spike's lips.

 

"Mmm, Xan."

 

Xander sped up, reaching down for Spike's cock and grasping it around the base.  He pulled softly, rubbing the tip against his abdomen and painting his stomach with pre-come.  He released Spike's shaft to massage the balls just below, pressing a finger to Spike's perineum and teasing a low moan from Spike's throat.

 

"Come for me, Will."  He kept his voice soft to go with the mood their soft lovemaking had created.

 

He could feel Spike counter-thrusting, his hips swiveling off the bed forcing his cock in and out of the tight ring Xander had created with his fingers.  And then Spike was moaning, his shaft jerking in Xander's hand, spurting warm fluid across their bodies.

 

Xander captured Spike's moans with his mouth, kissing him fiercely as his own orgasm overtook him.  He thrust to the hilt, and held himself still as he shot himself into his lover.

 

"Xander."  His name on Spike's lips only added to the sated warmth enveloping him.

 

He collapsed on the bed next to Spike and wrapped the man in his arms.  "Thank you, Will."  Xander kissed Spike's shoulder.  He felt Spike entwine their fingers, their gold bands rubbing against each other.

 

Xander felt happy.  Happy and confident and sure.  No matter what happened today, Spike would be with him.  And when all was said and done, they'd go home to Bran.  A home and family Anthony Harris could never take away from him.  Xander was sure of it now.  Sure of Spike.  Sure of himself.

 

He was ready.

 

***

 

Spike reached out for Xander's hand as his lover knocked on the door.  He squeezed reassuringly, letting Xander know that he was there if needed, then released him.

 

A burly man answered the door.  He smelled strongly of beer, but didn't look drunk.  He wore an old Dodgers t-shirt, and shorts that had seen better days.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Anthony."  Xander was proud to note his voice didn't quaver.  It was obvious his *father* didn't recognize him.  Part of Xander was angry about that, but part of him was relieved.

 

Just then Jessica stepped into the hallway and peered around her husband.

 

"Alex?"

 

Spike watched the emotions flicker over Xander's face.  His lover hadn't spoken about Jessica much, but he knew from what little Xander had said that he hadn't been afraid of her.  Had possibly even loved her as the scared little boy he'd been.

 

Xander began to nod a greeting at her, but was cut-off with a growl and a hand around his throat.

 

"What the fuck are you doing here, faggot?"

 

For a moment, Xander stood frozen with fear.  Anthony was there, in front of him, angry as ever.  The hand around his throat squeezed, cutting off his air supply.  Then, from the corner of his eye, he saw Spike move, knew that the other man was coming to his rescue. 

 

And all of the sudden he realized that Anthony wasn't as big as he'd once been, that the hand around his throat wasn't as strong as he remembered.

 

He motioned to Spike, who stilled instantly, though Xander knew he'd be ready to move if necessary.  Then he brought his hand up, palm out, and slammed it hard into the bridge of Anthony's nose.  The older man released Xander's throat and stumbled back, holding his injured nose.

 

"You fucking broke my nose!"  Anthony screamed, his face turning purple with rage.  He barreled towards Xander, who stepped aside and watched as Anthony stumbled down the front steps, falling onto the grassy yard.

 

"I'm here," Xander announced, disgusted at the sight of the man that had haunted his nightmares for years.  "To tell you that - I'm not afraid of you anymore.  That I'm bigger and stronger and smarter than you'll ever be."  He reached behind him and found Spike's hand tugging the other man forward.

 

"Oh, yeah," Xander continued lazily.  "And I wanted you to meet my husband."

 

"Who could also kick your sorry arse!" Spike interjected.

 

Xander smiled, kissing Spike warmly, the sight of which caused Anthony to exclaim, "Get the fuck out of here, you freaks!"

 

Xander ignored him, and turned back to Jessica.  "I loved you when I was a boy.  I loved you until that first day you just stood there and watched.  You never said a word.  Never tried to stop him."  Xander felt the gentle squeeze from Spike.  "I get that you were scared.  That you're still scared.  But I don't care.  I don't forgive you.  But I do care enough about you as another human being to tell you to get the hell out of here.  Get the hell away from him.  Before he kills you."

 

Xander turned to Spike, who was looking at him with admiration, pride, and love.  "I'm done.  Let's go."

 

They walked away, still holding hands, ignoring the angry words Anthony spewed and the soft tears Jessica cried.  Xander hoped that Jessica would listen for once and get out while she still could.  He had loved her once upon a time.  But as Spike climbed into the car beside him, Xander realized that he didn't have to worry about her anymore.  Not her.  Not Anthony.

 

He had a new life now.  A new family.  And now that he'd put his past behind him, he could enjoy it all.