Sex, Cows, Cats and Buggery

"Hey, this is funny, Spike."

"What is?"

"Article in the newspaper."

"Thought I'd got you out of that habit yesterday," Spike muttered, wiping the grease from his hands and tucking the rag into his back pocket, squinting into the bowels of the bike.

"Nope. Takes more than a mind-numbing blow job to break me of my bad habits," Xander said. "My habits are made of steel. So you want to know what it is?" Xander rattled the newspaper again, grinning at Spike over the top of it.

"Depends--it involve pathetic Vamp sex humor again?"

"Nah. This time, it's sex humor for everyone."

"Oh joy. Well, read it then, seeing as you won't shut up till you've had your way." Spike scrubbed a greasy hand over one cheek, regarding Xander with a look of barely-tolerant impatience.

"I thought you liked me having my way." Xander leaned forward, tongue skirting along his bottom lip with that little flick, twist that'd had Spike begging for more that morning. Just a little something he'd picked up on the internet.

Spike's eyes dilated, and his voice roughened. "Go on, then."

Xander sat back with his own version of smug satisfaction, and began to read. "Right. Sex. Cows."

"Cows?"

"Shut up, Fang boy. I'm telling the story. Sex and cows."

"That was more Angelus's thing."

"Okay, so not needing that mental picture, Spike."

Spike gestured him on with a flick of his wrist. "Losing patience, Harris."

"I'll get to the good part. Did you know that cows are being released into public parks in the Netherlands to discourage outdoor sex?"

"You don't say."

"Apparently, people are turned off by the cows watching them." Xander made a tick mark in the air with one hand. "And we cross that one off the list of possible vacation spots!"

"Nah. Can't say being watched by cows ever bothered me."

"You can actually get it up with a cow watching?"

"Easy. All they do is stand there and chew. Cats, now, mind..."

"What's wrong with cats?"

"They stare. They want to get involved. And ever seen a cat go after a dangly type thing?"

Xander cringed in on himself, folding the paper neatly in his lap.

"Yeah. Right bastards, cats. Release those little buggers into the parks and there'd be no public sex at all. Real turn off, getting your end down only find a furry little demon attached to your nether bits, and believe you me, I know my furry little demons."

"Angelus again?"

"Nah. Dru. Reckon she thought it was funny. Only ever bought her birds after that."

"Anyway, it says here that the mayor of this place decided to do it after a cyclist and his kid saw two naked men running across the road in a park."

"Don't see how cows'll help the problem. Just make for more blokes running stark bollocks naked away from them."

"Maybe nudity's less damaging when it's running away," Xander said, and buried his face once more in the newspaper.

Spike regarded him with tilted head. "Do you ever actually read the real news?"

"Just the ones that might have an effect on my life."

"Explains why you're hogging the funny papers every morning, that does."

"You don't think sex outdoors has an effect on my life?"

"Not in the bloody Netherlands." Spike turned back to his bike, ignoring the rustle of newspaper behind him.

"How about sex in garages?" An arm crept around Spike's waist and up to his chest, followed by a warm puff of breath in his ear.

"Again, not in the sodding Netherlands." Spike ignored Xander's hand, growling at a stubborn nut that wouldn't loosen.

The hand crept down, and slid straight into Spike's worn jeans, yanking him back against Xander's body. "How bout in buggering Devon?"

"Don't do that. Buggering sounds bloody stupid in an American accent."

"I like buggering," Xander said, fingers wiggling their agreement in the tight confines of Spike's jeans, which only got tighter. "Fine old English word, 'buggering'."

Spike dropped the wrench, leaning back against Xander with a groan. "Pet--I don't get this fixed, we're not getting back to London in time for you to get to work tomorrow."

"Bugger work."

"There are other English swear words than bugger, you know." Spike hissed, pushing back against Xander, and up into his fingers.

"I like bugger. Buggering." Xander brought his mouth to Spike's ear. "Buggery?" Hardness nudged at Spike, and he growled, twisting in Xander's grasp and pinning him to the concrete floor, flickers of yellow in his eyes. "Here?" Xander asked innocently.

"Now," Spike said.